What is wrong with sex (in our culture)?
We get a lot of mixed messages about sex. Parts of our culture tell us sex is bad. Parts of our culture tell us that some forms of sex are bad. Advertising uses sex to sell products by trying to plant desire for their product using sexual desire and often plants the seeds of both. We are constantly bombarded with movies, magazine, songs, musics, shows that create a rather narrow image of what is sexy. And while we are constantly shown what is or is not sexy, we are rarely shown how to have healthy and fulfilling sex. And then there was that awkward sex ed class that taught us about “sex” as if it were plumbing, and as if having sex was like fixing a leaky faucet. There is a lot of mystery from the medical community about sex like whole part of the female body that doctors and scientists don’t understand such as female ejaculation or vaginal orgasm. And despite the sexual revolution of the 1970’s and all the sex that has cropped up in our mainstream culture since then, sex is still very much a taboo topic; a discussion that is regulated, policed and even punished. Authentic conversations about sex are policed most of all. Feel free to talk about how hot Justin Bieber or the Dallas Cheerleaders are, but mention you’re curious about anal and people will look at you weird. Our culture’s current reaction to sex is a crazy combination of centuries of contradictions from hysteria to Hustler and psychoanalysis to Cosmopolitan.
It is time for a new standard.
So no wonder we feel horny and confused. No wonder people have a hard time talking about sex. What is normal? How do I know if what I’m experiencing is normal or OK with all these mixed messages?
It feels like it is time to chuck words like “normal” out the window. A healthy sexuality isn’t about what’s normal! If you tried to develop a normal sexuality according to American culture, you would never succeed, because the standards contradict each other. If you are a woman that enjoys sex or has a lot of sex then you are a slut, but if you don’t want to have sex then you are a frigid prude. If you are a guy that doesn’t want to have sex then you’re entire identity as man is called into question-- but if you want sex too much then you are an aggressor. Afterall, doesn’t rape come from uncontrolled male sexual desire? (We don’t think it does, but our culture will tell you that. See the “Rape Myths” section for more detail.)
Let’s create a new standard. A healthy sexuality is about what is healthy for you and your partner. Sex should be empowering and pleasurable for all people involved-- however those people feel empowered and feel pleasure. Sex should be safe, sane and consensual. Read more about how communication is the key to good sex here!
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